I know it has been almost a month again. Truth is, there just isn't much to talk about on day to day basis. I really am that boring!!
On the personal level, I am still fighting this depression. We tried an initial adding of meds after the last meltdown, but still wasn't enough. I was doing better, for the most part. I had begun walking on daily basis again, and in return losing a little of the weight put back on. I was beginning to feel social and a little more me. Then came the monthly surge of hormones.... It was bad again. Back to where I started with last months meltdown. I spent a day crying over nothing and everything, my self loathing was strong, my sense of purpose lost, again I went into that strange autopilot mode and hurt myself, waiting, hoping, that it would hurt this time and let me know I was still capable of feeling anything other than despair. I wanted to hide, but at the same time just wished I had someone who could just hold me and reassure me that its all ok. Of course that didn't happen. However James turned out to be my hero of the evening. He was online and initiated conversation. He turned on a new station calling it Anji Fm, since I was the only listener and playing things I would like. Even only via computer he kept me "company" until after 4am, and distracted me enough that I quit crying and became functional. I don't know how that night would have ended without him. I'm glad we're friends again!
So with that meltdown came days of insomnia, no exercise in almost a week now, and a Dr apt last Friday. They have upped my meds again, hoping we can get the right combo. I really, really hope so, but feel we won't really know until next month when PMS hits again. Oh fingers crossed! I hate being out of control like that. I'm even trying to get the uummpphhh enough to work out tonight. I haven't even been thinking about it for a bit, that's a good sign I think! Tomorrow we are walking! I need to get back on track.
On the financial area of things.... they still suck!! I got my first denial from SSI with a pretty lame as excuse for denial, so I am going to appeal. I hope I don't have to lawyer up, but I am beginning to see it is the only option if I want this done. I can't live on $120 a month. Its only the middle of the month, and I'm out of things needed, right now major is cat litter. Sigh.... I'm a bad kitty mommy! At least she has food!
Romantically..... things are (as always) in that lovely grey area. I can't seem to break trend of wanting the unattainable. Falling for the men that will never love me back. Its easier to hide, I keep trying to remember that.
Family is all doing well as far as I know. Collin is now two. Such a big, beautiful boy! He still has those amazing eyes, and a head full of curls. I wish we could see him more, but understand how busy things can be. I haven't got to hang out with Liam recently, every time they needed a sitter I had an appointment of one kind or the other. Still have at least 2 more before end of month. Its so nice to have medical! But today Lenee posted a video of him, he really likes grapes haha. I love those boys! Still no contact with Danielle. Even though I need to protect myself and remember this is for the best, it still hurts a mothers heart. I worry for her and hope good things every day for her. Sadly the last time I saw her physically she looked "pharmaceutically skinny". I would bet money (if I had any) that she is on meth, and doing god knows what to get it. Hopefully she isn't to lost, and someday she will get the help she needs thus allowing her back into the family. The last time seeing Lily was when we went to see her in the play. She is 16 now and growing into such a beautiful young woman. Her new beau is a little cutie pie too. I like seeing her happy!!
Well, sadly that's really about it. This week I have a movie night scheduled with a friend who likes horror movies as much as I do. If you like a good gory movie, watch "The Collection", available now on streaming Netflix. OMG! Its a crazy movie but awesome, and as I posted in my movie blog, Was It Scary, one of the best mass execution scenes ever! Other than that no plans. The gang is going to karaoke on Friday, and a friend is having birthday party at same bar Saturday. I don't know if I'm up for either. I said I would go on Friday for disco night. It will be fun, however the more I think about it, the more unsure I am about going. Being mildly agoraphobic gets even more than mild when depressed. Even if I went I'd be afraid of being the wet blanket and I wouldn't want to ruin everyone else's good time. Hmm... I think I settled my mind on this topic. Hahaha
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