Daily prompt - Wild horse

Wild Horse

When I think of wild horses my mind immediately goes to movie mode.  The movie in particular is "Nights in Rodanthe".    It supposed to be an urban legend of sorts about the wild mustangs running down the beach.  Of course no one has ever seen them, but everyone knows they are there.  It seems such a casual mention in the midst of a beautiful love story.  Like most love stories it has a tragic ending and as your heart is breaking right along with the character (cant give too much away lol), we see them.  The wild mustangs running the beach.  They are so free, so majestic, so beautiful... and of course make you cry a little more.  The symbolism in that one scene is obviously one of my favorites.  :)



Today's prompt is brought to us by Velvet Verbosity.

Hi, remember me?

So looking back I have been a horrible blogger and not written anything since March.  There are some good reasons for that, but I am back and going to try to be more honest and diligent about my writing.

I, like many have issues with depression.  It goes way back, even to things I can't remember.  Usually however the darkness was pushed aside to take care of everyone else.  Now its just me, alone with my thoughts, alone with the darkness.  As a result, I floundered.  As the months have progressed, I have hurt myself, I have quit going out with friends, even the walking group that I love dearly seemed overwhelming and too many people.  My agoraphobia in general has increased in a frightening capacity, but I am ok with 1 to 3 people at a time.  Another thing I am working on.  :)  We have been trying different antidepressants and hoping to find the right combination so I can feel like me again.  I hate feeling so lost, drowning...  and Im getting to tired to pretend anymore.

I did take a big step yesterday and went to Pullman to see Lily preform in a play.  She had two different parts in "The Stinky Cheeseman and other fairly stupid tales".  It was very cute and quite a few talented children.  Afterwards Brad and I went along to the cast party which was also very nice.  It was hard being around so many people I didn't know, but really glad that B was by my side.  He has a calming effect on me, its nice!

Physically I am doing good.  My last full CVS episode was in May (happy birthday to me), but they are definitely fewer and farther apart.  I still have one or two mini attacks a week, but with my at home regiment I have been able to avoid the er.  Yay!!  Sure beats being at the hospital 2ce a month!!

Collin will be 2 tomorrow.  Where does the time go?  He is so happy, and his new family is amazing!  We couldn't have asked for anyone better to love him and give him the life and love he deserves! I also count myself to be blessed that they are kind, caring people who still will allow the rest of us in his life.  Hes always full of love and cuddles when we see him.  He and Liam have fun when together!

Oh my Liam.  He is my bright spot on the gloomiest days.  I am lucky enough to get to hang with him almost weekly.  He is so smart and growing so fast.  He will be 2 in September.  Lenee and Sean are so good with him, its a joy to see.  I'm glad Lenee grew up and has the family she so deserves! <3

Other than those basics, things are still pretty much the same over here in my own little corner of Oz.  I am still in the SSI process, but steps are being completed so now the waiting game.

Yeah, thats about all I can think of at moment, but I promise to try to write more about my stuffs  :)

Daily Prompt: Drink

Really all I drink for the most part is coffee and water.  Generally I make 2 pots of coffee in a day.  Its not as much as you think, as I only have a 5 cup coffee maker.  But I do like my coffee.  Back in the day of having an income, I used to treat myself to a latte or granita 1ce a week, but no more.  Probably for the best anyhow.

On my quest for improving my health I am trying to drink more water.  Sadly it seems that I am always trying...  Having a Brita definitely helps with the water though.  The tap water here is icky, very chlorinated, not good.  I also have made it a personal rule (when at home of course) not to drink anything but water after 7:00 pm   I hope to see results someday...

Anyhow, boring I know :)  thanks for wasting a few minutes on my rambling thoughts...

Daily Prompt: Stars

Who hasn't enjoyed a night under the stars.... I can think of several enjoyable evenings throughout my many years.  *blush   But still the most remarkable sky I can remember still to this day was in the laterish 80s and there may or may not have been hallucinogenic enhancements. Lol   But it was a warm summer night, we went for a walk, and ended up just sitting on this old wall and watching the sky.  It was beautiful, so quiet, peaceful and a million bright stars just above.  They were so crisp and bright, it was easy to get lost in the night.

I still love the glow in the dark stars that you can put on your ceiling and walls.  I plan on getting some at some point for this room.  2 of the walls are black anyhow...  It will be awesome!!

Sunday morning coffee break

Seems like a very peaceful morning.  I see blue sky peeking through the clouds which gives me hope that it will be beautiful in a couple of hours when I go for my usual Sunday walk.

I feel so lucky, and blessed to have met the group that I go walking with!!!  For a couple hours every Sunday, I don't have to think or worry about things.  I let it all go, think about nothing in particular and just enjoy the time.  Occasionally I feel almost ignorant in some conversations, but its easy to get out of, and there is always something entertaining going on.

I talk to dshs about medical this week, and will make a Dr appt as well.  The SSI process has started, now the years of fighting begin... grrr.   I hate knowing that in the grand scheme of things the effin illness wins again.  Sigh...   But I do know many cases (now) that are being approved.  I love that my meds are working, but it always comes back...

I switched rooms here in the basement so I have a new cave.  I think Lola really likes it!  It has been almost a year since Gizmo passed.  I miss him.  I see pics of orange tabbies  but still none as beautiful as he was.  Mike and I were back in contact for less than 6 months before he threw his last tantrum July 4th, but he was there when needed when I had to make the choice to say goodbye to Gizzy.  I was so glad that he was there to mourn what originally was his cat.  Sigh.... ummm happier thoughts....

Yeah, not really anything else even remotely exciting going on in my little corner of Oz.  My love life is non-existent, my friends are awesome, but have real lives of their own with jobs and families and stuff.  :)  I do have a dinner date with Jenni and Melissa on Sat.  Super excited for that!!!!  I haven't seen Jenni since my birthday and Melissa.... oh its just been years.  The 3 of us were quite the trio many moons ago.  It should be awesome.

Oh, to some this will be big news... I have quit smoking ciggerettes.  I am using the "Smart smoke" but the nicotine oil is super cheap.  Best part is, I don't miss it!  So, if I can continue to lose weight, and stop smoking, and continue exercising ... I may actually be ready for Bloomsday, or at least look (and feel) better than I did last year!

Im out of things to update... will try to Coffee break at least 2ce a month.




Current music ---"At least I'm not as sad as I used to be" Fun

Daily Prompt: Clear

Its funny how everything can seem so clear one moment and nothing but confusion moments later.  

I was content with solitude and loneliness  as much as anyone can be, but it seemed better than the alternative.   But then I let reality get clouded by sweet words and I forgot.  It was fun to pretend, but reality is sneaking it ugly head back up.

I went back to old posts and last year, April 2012 I posted  "Anyhow, my revelation is this... I am not meant to be in a relationship.   I am toxic.  2ce I have taken good, driven, motivated men, and left them unemployed, and broken.  Others would prefer to completely erase me and any knowledge that they ever knew me.  That's the part that hurts the most.  It makes me wonder truly what is so wrong with me that it is better erase me that admit they know me.  However I have taken the hint and am not going to put anyone else through that and stay to myself."

I need to get back to such clarity...   

Daily Prompt: Hidden

Where I should have stayed.  I strayed.  I opened the door just a little to see out, and be seen.  I knew better.  Its safer hidden in the dark.

Daily Prompt: Mischief

I feel like this is where I should have some great story of mischief accomplished... but I honestly can't think of any.  Now, I am in no way claiming innocence, but I can't think of anything specific that isn't possibly illegal or definitely leaning toward immoral areas lol.

Being lucky enough to spend a lot of time with Liam I am now able to recognize the mischievous look in his eyes when he is going to try to touch something that he knows is a no.  He likes to test Nana often. lol  Usually it is the gate, or the DVD player... but Nana always wins :)

Hmmmm... maybe I should see what kind of mischief I can get into this week... could prove interesting.



Music at Moment: "Only In Dreams" ~ Weezer

Thursday morning coffee break :)

So I am truly making a conscious effort on my health and making it (obviously) better.

Today I have already fought the treadmill.  I only did 30 min (at highest incline), but I know its not enough.  I have a stretching/toning/weight routine that I need to start doing daily also.  Also I will be doing stairs... but I'll explain more into that in a moment.

Other part of getting healthy is of course eating.  I eat the wrong things, at the wrong times... also lack of fridge space puts some limits on shopping.  But I am finding more ways to work around it.  Today for breakfast (something else I don't normally do, but know its needed lol) I have had an English muffin, an orange and a banana, and honestly don't know if I will be able to finish.  :)

The last step in my new road is smoking.  Being unemployed for so long, ciggerettes are way to expensive even just buying the stuff and making my own.  So.... I found my old E-cig and I think it might work this time.  Last time when I first bought it, I was doing really well.  I still found myself wishing for a "real" ciggerette often, but it was getting easier.  Then I started hanging out with a smoker who kept giving them too me.  The E-cig went in a drawer and was pulled out a few days ago.  Today is the first full day of trying not to smoke. I do have a few left, but that's where the stairs come in.  The old "easy" workout of up one, go down, go up two stairs, go down. go up 3 etc... it's going to suck and really make me think how much do I want that ciggerette.  I have a feeling that stairs will be in my near future though. lol  Another bright-ish area is that I am spending time with a non-smoker so out of respect for him as well.  Tend to get more kisses when dont have smoke on my breath! lol

So those are the big things going on at this precise moment.  The rest of my world is still pretty dark and boring.  More so than even I like to admit...

Music playing.... "Take me on the floor" The Veronicas

Daily Prompt: Clean

Never in my life would I say I have been a "clean freak" or "neat-nik", but as my living area has decreased the need to keep my "area" clean has increased.  Renting a room for the last 2 + years I have developed a system that works for me.  I am a list maker.  Everyday I have a to-do list that cleans the room top to bottom, dusting to mopping, and any other extras that may need done such as nails or laundry.  I don't beat myself up if everything is not completed, but I like crossing them off! :)

I was always like that with my desk area at work also.  I kept it wiped down and highly organized at all times.  I had pride in my work station and didn't want it uncomfortable and messy.

Dont think I can ever say that about a car though.... hmmmm.....

Daily Prompt: Laundry

I am one of the few people that actually enjoys doing laundry.  Probably one of my favorite chores.  I don't let it pile up, but being just me that doesn't happen often, and I prefer to do my bedding weekly.  I don't know why I like it, maybe its the true completion of the task.  4 easy steps, wash, dry, fold, put away. Done!     Yes it starts accumulating almost immediately  but not enough to worry about for another week.  Yay! Also honestly, there isn't much nicer feeling than climbing under freshly washed sheets, especially with the electric blanket bc they are always warm when climbing in.

Daily Prompt: Alone

Seems a fitting topic after yesterday...

I generally don't mind having time alone.  Sometimes the comfortable solitude is peaceful, and I don't mind my own company so much.  I laugh about how often I "hibernate" and keep myself in my own little cave.   Its comfortable and safe.    However even though I enjoy being alone, I hate the loneliness   Being alone and being lonely are such different things.

Daily Prompt: Forgotten

In the mood I am in today, this might not be the best subject...  But as I have stated before, that's the joy of this being my blog.  I can be bitchy and negative if so the mood fits.  I'm not looking for a pep talk, or love fest, its just how I'm feeling.

I used to always fear the thought of being forgotten.  I would try to always be the "little ray of sunshine" no matter the situation and hope to make a difference in someone, anyones day.  I would joke that just the spelling of my name made me memorable.  I was comfortable and confident in myself.

Now I have grown up and face reality as it is...  I am easily erasable and forgotten.  More so than I ever thought possible.  The toxicity I mentioned many posts ago, is still just as strong.  All I can do is  just hope to be a good memory once in a while.

Daily Prompt: Chain

Like most women I love jewelry.  When it comes to necklaces (chains) they have to be cord or good quality as to not make my neck have a lovely green tint.

I have two chains that I can wear, and sometimes will change just the charm.  However the clasps are so tiny I can't put it on or take it off myself bc of my nails.  One was received as an Anniversary present and even though the emotions have changed, emeralds and diamonds are always nice to wear. :) The other is a beautiful cross my stepmother Debi gave to me. I can work with this chain a little better, so I wear it more often.  In the middle is a large piece of malachite, which happens to be my favorite stone.

I wish I had more options... or more pretty shiny things lol

Daily Prompt: Happy

Ten random things that make me happy! :)

1.  Get the basic out of the way with friends and family. (Too easy almost shouldn't count ha-ha   We have our moment of craziness but what family doesn't.  I am very blessed with my grandsons and our new extension via marriage to The Gradys.  You are all in that family category now, like it or not! My true friends know who they are and why I am grateful daily.  Loves to all...

2.  The smell of freshly brewing coffee.  Mmmm, its a comfort association smell.

3.  Finding new music or finding out a favorite artist has new Cd out or coming out soon.

4.  A fresh new notebook.

5.  A sale on nail polish.

6.  Bunnies, ducks, and elephants :)

7.  Daisy's, sunflowers or any other "happy" wildflower

8.  His name on a text, even if its just a goodnight

9.  Loudly purring kneading happy kitty loves each night as Lola says goodnight.  She runs in when I turn out the light.  Love it!

10.  Just being remembered :)

Go me! Kinda...

So today I actually completed ALL my cleaning tasks plus 2 extra optionals! So that is the go me part.  I did not however do any type of exercise   In my defense mother nature hates me and with these cramps I don't want to move, much less effing exercise!

I will try a bit harder on that, currently we are down 32.5 lbs total.  This was a bad month for me, so I have some work to do... Bloomsday is approaching!

Daily Prompt: Moon

I know that I am not very good at writing daily, but I do think about it much more often than you would think.

Todays word is moon.  The full moon was this last weekend, but I didn't see it.  I love the large beautiful harvest moons that light up the night.  I can remember a few moonlit walks in my younger, more attractive days.  :)  I think my most current fond memory with an amazing moon would be the night of Sean and Lenee's wedding.  A beautiful blue moon on a very special night!

Sigh, now I wish I had someone to have a moonlit picnic with...

Friday evening coffee break

** For those new to my writing, I try to do a "coffee break" post at least once a week.  This is the post where I ramble about myself and what might be new.  I realized its been since the end of November so...

Christmas this year was wonderful.  I spent it with The Grady's and Lily was there also.  Liam did NOT want to go to sleep Christmas eve, so Christmas day the adults opened presents first and we woke him up around noon for his goodies.  This way was he was also the center of attention which he loved dearly!  His favorite gifts were an orange ball, and a Scout toy.  I love being around him so often and watching him learn and grow.  He loves his Nana too!

We will be doing Christmas with Collin this coming weekend.  I am excited (as always) to see him.  He seems to have recognition of me also.  I love his family and always look forward to seeing them as well.

I have let myself get lazy again when it comes to working out.  I need to get back into the good habits, not just slip back into the bad ones.  I am getting the determination back, and will try again tomorrow.  Yesterday I did 30 min on the treadmill but that's not enough!  I have a personal goal for Jan 1st, I'm not going to go into it, but I will tell you if accomplished.  :)  I'm pretty confident though.

Still no word from Dana.  We did get confirmation that she is, or was, in Portland bc she had the hospital send bills to my fathers address.  They sent it back, just as I have done, return to sender, not at this address. It's sad the hole she has put herself into.  As a mother I worry, but I gave her the right tools, she made the choices she has on her own.

I have been episode free from my CVS for 16 weeks now!!  My last episode was September 7th.  I can't remember the last time I made it through both Thanksgiving and Christmas!!  I am so thankful for my Dr and the meds he has me on.  I've not been totally symptom free, but with meds I was able to prevent several small flare ups.  I'm ok with that!  I am happy NOT to have to go to the er!!

It makes me wonder if now I could hold a job.  God knows I want to.  I think I'm gonna start looking  a little harder than I have been, confident that I won't get sick.  If I do, then we know I truly can't work.  We'll see how this turns out!!

Ok lovies, the sleepys are finally taking over so with that I bid you all goodnight!

Daily Prompt: Fresh

 As it is closer and closer to the end of another year my mind went immediately to the thought of a fresh start. I am always so hopeful every year that its going to get better.  2012 had some bright spots, but a lot more darkness than light.  A year ago I was still unemployed and things were unsure with Collin, but I had friends, and romance, and felt I mattered to more than just family.  Now I am so thankful for the few true friends I DO have, and family that has helped me through some of this darkness.

I need a fresh start.  I am ready, and more than owed my dues...  Lets all hope that 2013 is the fresh start we all need! xoxox

Daily Prompt: Feline

It seems that I have always had at least one cat as part of my family.  I really can't even think back in childhood and there was always a feline present.  Our house was always adopted by the neighborhood strays and at least one would stay.

I'm not going to bore you with details of all my kitty loves, but you will (if you continue reading at this point), hear about some of the best.

Growing up we had Garbage.  He was a beautiful long hair grey tabby I believe.   He adopted us and he was awesome.   The other memorable cat growing up was Worthless.  Yes, my parents had a knack for names lol.  But Worthless was part of the family.  He was a handsome Tuxedo kitty who loved my mother fiercely   I know how hard it was when he got so old she had to put him down.  I dread that day with my own Lola.

After leaving home again I had several cats, Charlie, who would fetch sticks, Riff-Raff, who was just awesome in general, GB, who loved to take showers.  He was a silly one!  The bathroom door in my apt wouldn't shut tight so he could always get in, no matter who was in the water.  I think he scared a couple guests lol.  Pepper was one of my most treasured pets.  He was Maine coon and beautiful.  He was huge and ruled any neighborhood we were in.  Unfortunately he got into antifreeze and I lost him.  He was a huge part of our family, and I think Lenee's favorite.

Skipping forward many years, and quite a few cats later I had the one special kitty that for whatever reason he was meant to be mine. The picture above is my Puppycat.  Yes, I named my kitten Puppy.  Puppy had a funny tail that curled up around his body like a pug dog instead of a cat.  Also he would greet you by licking your nose.  He was sooooo wonderful.  Kind of my kitty soul mate. <3  He was an indoor outdoor cat and one heck of a bird catcher.  He brought us 3 in a 4 day time frame.  Sadly he was hit by a car.  I cried for a long time after losing him.    

That is how Lola and Gizmo came into my life. Again see pic above.  They were strays found in a friends garage and maybe 5 weeks old.  Gizmo had a stroke, and congestive heart failure last March, 4 months before his 3rd birthday.  I still have my Lola.  She is a tuxedo goddess, spoiled rotten and knows it.  She actually  seems much happier now that she is the only cat.  I need to get her fixed still, but there are no boy cats to get her anymore. lol

I cant imagine life without a cat in it.  Living alone Lola is my best friend and confidante.  She knows when I need a snuggle and hates it when I'm sick or crying.  She isn't the nicest kitty to anyone else but she loves me and I love her!!