Friday evening coffee break

** For those new to my writing, I try to do a "coffee break" post at least once a week.  This is the post where I ramble about myself and what might be new.  I realized its been since the end of November so...

Christmas this year was wonderful.  I spent it with The Grady's and Lily was there also.  Liam did NOT want to go to sleep Christmas eve, so Christmas day the adults opened presents first and we woke him up around noon for his goodies.  This way was he was also the center of attention which he loved dearly!  His favorite gifts were an orange ball, and a Scout toy.  I love being around him so often and watching him learn and grow.  He loves his Nana too!

We will be doing Christmas with Collin this coming weekend.  I am excited (as always) to see him.  He seems to have recognition of me also.  I love his family and always look forward to seeing them as well.

I have let myself get lazy again when it comes to working out.  I need to get back into the good habits, not just slip back into the bad ones.  I am getting the determination back, and will try again tomorrow.  Yesterday I did 30 min on the treadmill but that's not enough!  I have a personal goal for Jan 1st, I'm not going to go into it, but I will tell you if accomplished.  :)  I'm pretty confident though.

Still no word from Dana.  We did get confirmation that she is, or was, in Portland bc she had the hospital send bills to my fathers address.  They sent it back, just as I have done, return to sender, not at this address. It's sad the hole she has put herself into.  As a mother I worry, but I gave her the right tools, she made the choices she has on her own.

I have been episode free from my CVS for 16 weeks now!!  My last episode was September 7th.  I can't remember the last time I made it through both Thanksgiving and Christmas!!  I am so thankful for my Dr and the meds he has me on.  I've not been totally symptom free, but with meds I was able to prevent several small flare ups.  I'm ok with that!  I am happy NOT to have to go to the er!!

It makes me wonder if now I could hold a job.  God knows I want to.  I think I'm gonna start looking  a little harder than I have been, confident that I won't get sick.  If I do, then we know I truly can't work.  We'll see how this turns out!!

Ok lovies, the sleepys are finally taking over so with that I bid you all goodnight!

Daily Prompt: Fresh

 As it is closer and closer to the end of another year my mind went immediately to the thought of a fresh start. I am always so hopeful every year that its going to get better.  2012 had some bright spots, but a lot more darkness than light.  A year ago I was still unemployed and things were unsure with Collin, but I had friends, and romance, and felt I mattered to more than just family.  Now I am so thankful for the few true friends I DO have, and family that has helped me through some of this darkness.

I need a fresh start.  I am ready, and more than owed my dues...  Lets all hope that 2013 is the fresh start we all need! xoxox

Daily Prompt: Feline

It seems that I have always had at least one cat as part of my family.  I really can't even think back in childhood and there was always a feline present.  Our house was always adopted by the neighborhood strays and at least one would stay.

I'm not going to bore you with details of all my kitty loves, but you will (if you continue reading at this point), hear about some of the best.

Growing up we had Garbage.  He was a beautiful long hair grey tabby I believe.   He adopted us and he was awesome.   The other memorable cat growing up was Worthless.  Yes, my parents had a knack for names lol.  But Worthless was part of the family.  He was a handsome Tuxedo kitty who loved my mother fiercely   I know how hard it was when he got so old she had to put him down.  I dread that day with my own Lola.

After leaving home again I had several cats, Charlie, who would fetch sticks, Riff-Raff, who was just awesome in general, GB, who loved to take showers.  He was a silly one!  The bathroom door in my apt wouldn't shut tight so he could always get in, no matter who was in the water.  I think he scared a couple guests lol.  Pepper was one of my most treasured pets.  He was Maine coon and beautiful.  He was huge and ruled any neighborhood we were in.  Unfortunately he got into antifreeze and I lost him.  He was a huge part of our family, and I think Lenee's favorite.

Skipping forward many years, and quite a few cats later I had the one special kitty that for whatever reason he was meant to be mine. The picture above is my Puppycat.  Yes, I named my kitten Puppy.  Puppy had a funny tail that curled up around his body like a pug dog instead of a cat.  Also he would greet you by licking your nose.  He was sooooo wonderful.  Kind of my kitty soul mate. <3  He was an indoor outdoor cat and one heck of a bird catcher.  He brought us 3 in a 4 day time frame.  Sadly he was hit by a car.  I cried for a long time after losing him.    

That is how Lola and Gizmo came into my life. Again see pic above.  They were strays found in a friends garage and maybe 5 weeks old.  Gizmo had a stroke, and congestive heart failure last March, 4 months before his 3rd birthday.  I still have my Lola.  She is a tuxedo goddess, spoiled rotten and knows it.  She actually  seems much happier now that she is the only cat.  I need to get her fixed still, but there are no boy cats to get her anymore. lol

I cant imagine life without a cat in it.  Living alone Lola is my best friend and confidante.  She knows when I need a snuggle and hates it when I'm sick or crying.  She isn't the nicest kitty to anyone else but she loves me and I love her!!

Daily Prompt: Shorts

Shorts... summertime wear for those with legs enough to get away with it!  I, being overweight  and a pasty white Irish woman, have not worn shorts for years!

However, with the loss (so far) of 40 lbs, this might be the summer they come back! :)  I like that there is defined muscle now in my calves.  The scary pasty white thing I can't help though, wear sunglasses if you know I'm coming. lol

I am actually planning to do Bloomsday this year.  As it falls on my 43rd birthday, I think its a great time to show my accomplishments health wise.  Of course I will be wearing the birthday tiara and hopefully will have friends along to make the walk more fun!  5 months... I can do this!!

Daily prompt: Bow

When I first saw that this was the word of the day I felt a little stuck, but then I realized it was because the word bow itself has so many uses...

Tis the season for pretty packages and bows.  I opened a present from a dear friend today that had a beautiful shiny red bow on top.  Some silver curling ribbon as well, which went to Lola making her a very happy kitty!  I earlier was wishing I had captured her on video.  Amity and I were in giggles watching her go.    Growing up we would always recycle the Christmas bows and boxes for as many years as allowed.  I did that as well when the kids were younger.  Its really easy to attach with a little tape! :)

My next thought went to hair bows.  Being the girly girl I am, I used to have several different colors of bows that clipped perfectly at the top of a ponytail.  I still have one but it is red and green with candy canes in the middle.  I dont know what happened to the rest of my collection over the years, but that's the only one left.

Lastly I thought of archery.  Maybe bc I just watched "Once upon a time" and Snow is a badass with a bow and arrow.  I remember doing archery in PE at school, and after I got the hang of it, I was pretty good.  In the beginning I snapped my arm a lot and that hurt.

See.... lots of randomness from one word!

Daily Prompt: Hat

I am not the type of girl who can pull off a stocking cap of baseball cap.  Some woman just look cute in such hats... I am not one of them.

I had a favorite hat when I was younger and found reasons to wear it often.  It was a beautiful rust colored hat with a black velvet bow and black netting.  It was perfect for many an outfit in the 80s lol.  I loved that hat!!  I wish I had pics of that time.  I was young, thin, and kinda hot!  I miss those days....

My life with CVS - kinda deep...

Today my illness came in 9th out of the top 10 rarest diseases.  ( here is link to list and article )  I was glad to see it in print, and to see recognition but that still doesn't cover what this illness (Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome or CVS) has done to me and many others in our day to day lives.

Although I don't remember when I first started getting sick my mother told me it started around 1973 when I was 3 years old.  They came up with different diagnosis, but I can (and might still) list all the different diagnosis between then and August 2007 when the Dr. (I was on a morphine pump and can't remember his name), anyhow he sat down at the foot of my bed, smiled widely and said the words that have changed my life... "I know whats wrong with you" and he handed me a bunch of printout about CVS.  Here was my answer!  He had sent a patient to Seattle just weeks prior who had been diagnosed, making him want to study up on such an illness.  Even recalling that day brings me to tears.  I was finally being validated!!  

Unfortunately it didn't make the difference I thought it would.  I was still treated as if I was crazy, or making myself sick on purpose, or my favorite at the ER was I was a drug seeker.  Its been easier and easier within the last 5 years, but that doesn't change the constant fear of how you will be treated next time you are sick.

I look back at my life (I'm 42, I can get nostalgic) and say that this illness has cost me so much personally!!  It has made me slightly agoraphobic bc I am afraid of excitement starting an episode.  I very rarely will go inside of any restaurant to sit down and dine, bc usually I end up "sick".  Many a 1st date have been ruined by, me needing to go home and barf.  I've had friends mildly offended bc every time I went to their house, I left ill.  Explaining that good excitement sets this off isn't quite comforting.  There was many months that I would get so excited to see Lily that every time she came, I got sick.  Not a fun visit for anyone!!   Employment and relationships have been lost repeatedly....

So now here I sit feeling alone and defeated by this illness.  I haven't worked in almost 1 1/2 years.  I have NO income coming in, no nibbles for work, but with my age and attendance issues I'm not a great candidate in any company.  Tomorrow I am making the call to SSI to get this ball rolling.  I see no other options... this illness is winning....

Daily Prompt: Royalty

Living in the United States, we don't have much to do with true Royalty.  The family "blood lines" don't have the same significance.  I think the closest we have to royalty over here is The Kennedy family.

On that same note, I of course wanted to be a princess when growing up, and even now occasionally lol.  I think all girls, women, want that Prince charming to come and rescue us.  Take us away from reality and find that "true love"

Now I am older, and much more cynical.  I don't really believe much in love anymore.  Scratch that, I do believe in love, it just doesn't believe in me. My prince got lost somewhere along the way.  I don't necessarily need a prince, but it sure would be nice to have a man look at me like I matter.  I miss that...

Daily prompt: Others

As previously mentioned I was looking for a writing prompt site and I found a couple I like.  So in my efforts to continue writing / journaling here we go...

Todays prompt:  Others

What a weird word to start with!  lol  The very first thought that came to mind was the movie "The Others" with Nicole Kidman.  I actually really enjoyed that movie, it was a nice twist to the other ghost haunting movies.  Horror movies in general are my favorite.  It crosses over into the Thriller genre as well.  One of my personal favorites, that now with thought I will need to watch again, is "Death of a ghost hunter"  Great story!

Bored...

I miss writing, or just rambling for the what not.  I think I am going to look for something like I was part of before, where once a day there was a new "topic", could be one word, could be a phrase but it made you think.  I enjoyed the memories that would flood back, or where the imagination can take me.   If so, this will be where I post.  Hmmm what can I find...

Update and Christmas wish list...

So I realize that it has been ages since I have written anything, and for that I apologize    Much has happened since July.

Quick update:  Dana has lost custody of Collin (surprise) but his foster / soon to be adoptive parents, and family are amazing, wonderful, caring people who still allow the rest of the family to be in his life.  I get a playdate with him tomorrow actually.  I am always so happy to see him!  Unfortunately Dana has dropped out of pic completely.  No one has heard from her in weeks, and then she sends a text to Collins foster mom asking for money, claiming to be stuck in Portland   I never heard anything from her and S. was smart enough not to send her money or anything.

Lenee and Sean were married in August at my fathers back yard.  It was beautiful and I am so happy for her.  The Grady's have even graciously accepted me into their loving, normal family.  Liam is so smart and handsome.  I get to spend a lot more time with him so he knows who Nana is and loves me back!

I am still working with my Dr in trying to keep my CVS under control.  As it has almost been 3 months since my last serious episode.  I am ecstatic about that.  I am worried about the fact I dont know how I am going to afford the meds that are working so well.  I have until the 18th of Dec to figure it out.

As you know, I have been unemployed for over a year.  With my illness it is hard to find a job when the last 4 I was let go bc of attendance   My unemployment has just recently ran out giving me an income of $0.  I had my panic attack a few weeks ago, and now just scrambling to survive.

On that note, for friends and family who have inquired about my Christmas list, its fairly simple.  This year, monetary gifts are most appreciated to try to keep my head above water.  If you feel the need to buy something, what I need (and appreciate) is the basic things that cost money.  Shampoo, Conditioner, Body wash, toothpaste,lotion, deodorant, Laundry detergent, fabric softener, cat food, girly stuff etc...   I know it sounds random, and fairly sad that this is my wish list.   I have been self sufficient for so long, it scares me that I cant "fix this".

Happy 4th of July

July 4th has always been one of my favorite holidays.  When I was a kid I remember staying up super late as my parents and friends always had a great supply of fireworks that (back then) we could light in the street and have a show.  As a teenager, my best friend Tracy, had this lucky day as her birthday so there was always quite the party. :)  Then as I got older, this date became memories (in no particular order) of first kisses under the fireworks, serenaded in the park by new beau, a marriage proposal and of course the birth of my 2nd daughter.  There was (in general) something magical about the day!

Now as I get older and a bit more cynical I have lost the magic.  I have no one to share the innocent wonder of the fireworks in the sky,  and it just feels like another day.  That saddens me that the basic every day crap of my life has even taken the magic out of the holidays.  Sigh...

really?

So I often see banana peels on the sidewalk and it always makes me smile.  Has anyone truly ever slipped on a banana peel while walking down the walk.  Why weren't they aware enough of their surroundings to slip on it in the first place??  These are some of things I ponder...

I don't have much to say...

Yeah, I know I don't blog as often as I used too, but things are pretty boring around here for the most part.

I still can say that I love my new Dr.!  We have changed up the med regiment a little bit, and added one for exercising.  I have had one episode since I last blogged, ended up in the ER again... twice.  I told them that it wasn't over when they sent me home and sure enough as soon as the meds were out of my system I was right back where I started but a hair bit worse.  Ugh!  The second trip was more successful.  I was still sick for two more days but it was manageable.  Thats all I want!  If I can stay out of the er, and just get sick and better at home, I am all for it!

I am still walking and stretching / toning almost daily.  I have lost 25lbs since November.  15 of that is just since Feb.  I am a bit OCD in things, and with that is I am a list maker.  My first walk was Feb 16 and I only went 1.09 miles.  Now my average is 6 miles :)

I've seen some odd things on my walks.  The amount of abandoned shopping carts in one particular area is multiplying.  Another area I walk through has a large amount of "No Trespassing" signs.  Its not a "bad area of town" so why would those 2 blocks be so paranoid??  The most strangely disturbing thing I have seen was a dead Robin.  Now its not a dead bird that freaked me out... it was the childs glove that lay next to it... creepy!! On the happier side of things I have found 7 four leafed clovers.  I dont really "look" for them but if I stop for a drink of water I will look down, also I look down when I walk generally so if it jumps out at me that quickly it was meant for me! lol  I still however have not found one in anothers yard.  I did once but left it there bc I didn't want to go in their yard. lol

On that note, I have already done my stretching and my phone is finally charged so I am off for my walk.  I love having both Pandora and Map My Fitness on my phone. :)  It makes me smile that my jeans are loose enough that I can carry a bottle of water in my front pocket.

random....

So there are some etiquette rules when walking along the sidewalk.  One of these things are when passing someone, if eye contact is made, some sort of greeting is almost expected even if it is an awkward "hello" while on way.

Today as I was walking I passed a woman who upon our passing, looked me right in the eye and said simply, "Things will get better".

I couldn't respond, but was uplifted by her simple statement...  things will get better!

observations made today....

So as before mentioned I am walking almost daily and starting to really enjoy them.  My route of choice is about 4 miles now, and I have already mapped the next "extensions" when I am ready to go longer.  Today I made several observations, and found $0.18! lol

Neighborhood dogs are getting used to me.  There are several now that used to bark as I walked by, now they just look at me.... Oh her again!

The flowers are blooming!!  Ive seen lots of starts but today was the first blooming daffodils that I have seen and they made me smile.  No tulips yet, but I keep looking for them also.  Another house I pass has these little yellow flowers that I think are buttercups, I dont know but they are another happy flower of some kind.

Sidewalk chalk is interesting to walk through.  I felt I should try to walk around it as much as possible to avoid messing up some child's "masterpiece", but some steps were unavoidable!  Another house I pass has a GIANT chalkboard in the backyard.  I thought that was a fantastic idea!

Well those were a few of my observations today.  Not much going on in my little corner of the world anyhow.  SSDD as they used to say :)

Routines

Routines... we all have them weather we are aware of them or not.  It could be as simple as coffee, smoke and check your computer in specific order in morning, to day to day itinerary of list of to-dos. Sadly in my solitary lifestyle I have become the latter.  I like lists.  I like crossing shit off a list and feeling that brief moment of accomplishment.  Sad? Maybe... but it works for me! lol

Lily is here for Spring break!  Yay!  I love spending time with her.  I feel bad that I am so poor at the moment that we cant really even do anything fun, but we still have fun just being together.  

With that in mind, my routines are all messed up with the addition of an extra person in my solitary existance.  Im glad shes here, but I understand why I had a hard time keeping the house super clean when the kids were about.  When she hops in the shower is my time to sweep, dust, etc and of course as I type this she is getting ready to go so I shall too.  

Maybe something cool will be seen on the walk today.  Its not a shopping trip so I am taking her on the full route.  Should be fun!  Later lovies <3

lesson learned

So I was all excited for my walk today, it was a short one considering we planned on just going to the store and back.  I forgot to take my meds before leaving and within .25 mile my back was hurting.  I was happy to get to the store so I could sit for a few.  Worst part is that I was nauseas by the time I got home.  Grrr....  Lesson learned, I MUST take my meds before walking.  Sucky routine to have to do but its worth it!

Im back

So I haven't blogged in forever but feel like its a good time to start again.  After all isn't this a forum where I can ramble about the mundane existence that I call my life.  Yep, that's right, you get this...  lol

So things are just about the same in my sad little world.  Romantically - well since I last posted he I and got back together 2ce and broken up again. This time however I am done.  I wish we were friends still however.  Not the hang out type of friends, as I really dont think I could see him in person, but I would be happy to talk email, Facebook, text or even phone.  Unfortunately he is better by erasing me completely.  However that led me to some self revelations that some of you will bitch about, but again, this is my blog, my forum, get over it.  Anyhow, my revelation is this... I am not meant to be in a relationship.   I am toxic.  2ce I have taken good, driven, motivated men, and left them unemployed, and broken.  Others would prefer to completely erase me and any knowledge that they ever knew me.  Thats the part that hurts the most.  It makes me wonder truly what is so wrong with me that it is better erase me that admit they know me.  However I have taken the hint and am not going to put anyone else through that and stay to myself.

So medically I broke down and finally got a Dr.  I explained to him my phobia of Dr's and my past treatment. This Dr is wonderful!  He knows about CVS and even let me know that he has done more research since I became his patient.  He has me on 2 different medications, well 3 if you count the exercising regiment but I am hopeful that it will work.  I have discovered that exercising  will set me off on a CVS attack so we now know how to prevent that.  I was worried about going to the Dr bc *J goes to the same clinic but so far I have been lucky and not ran into him!

On the exercise note, I have been trying to take walks daily.  At first the pain in my back, hips and then tummy was really an issue.  But as I said Dr put me on meds before I go.  So now I take an anti nausea and a couple Tylenol and off I go.   My goal is to find something to mention each day that I notice and bore you with it!! I am up to 3.25 mile per average.  The weight is coming off too and that makes me happy!

Well lovies, I am going to run away as the sleepys are hitting so I am going to run away.  I promise to be more writing of my daily efforts...