Daily Prompt: Clear

Its funny how everything can seem so clear one moment and nothing but confusion moments later.  

I was content with solitude and loneliness  as much as anyone can be, but it seemed better than the alternative.   But then I let reality get clouded by sweet words and I forgot.  It was fun to pretend, but reality is sneaking it ugly head back up.

I went back to old posts and last year, April 2012 I posted  "Anyhow, my revelation is this... I am not meant to be in a relationship.   I am toxic.  2ce I have taken good, driven, motivated men, and left them unemployed, and broken.  Others would prefer to completely erase me and any knowledge that they ever knew me.  That's the part that hurts the most.  It makes me wonder truly what is so wrong with me that it is better erase me that admit they know me.  However I have taken the hint and am not going to put anyone else through that and stay to myself."

I need to get back to such clarity...   

Daily Prompt: Hidden

Where I should have stayed.  I strayed.  I opened the door just a little to see out, and be seen.  I knew better.  Its safer hidden in the dark.

Daily Prompt: Mischief

I feel like this is where I should have some great story of mischief accomplished... but I honestly can't think of any.  Now, I am in no way claiming innocence, but I can't think of anything specific that isn't possibly illegal or definitely leaning toward immoral areas lol.

Being lucky enough to spend a lot of time with Liam I am now able to recognize the mischievous look in his eyes when he is going to try to touch something that he knows is a no.  He likes to test Nana often. lol  Usually it is the gate, or the DVD player... but Nana always wins :)

Hmmmm... maybe I should see what kind of mischief I can get into this week... could prove interesting.



Music at Moment: "Only In Dreams" ~ Weezer

Thursday morning coffee break :)

So I am truly making a conscious effort on my health and making it (obviously) better.

Today I have already fought the treadmill.  I only did 30 min (at highest incline), but I know its not enough.  I have a stretching/toning/weight routine that I need to start doing daily also.  Also I will be doing stairs... but I'll explain more into that in a moment.

Other part of getting healthy is of course eating.  I eat the wrong things, at the wrong times... also lack of fridge space puts some limits on shopping.  But I am finding more ways to work around it.  Today for breakfast (something else I don't normally do, but know its needed lol) I have had an English muffin, an orange and a banana, and honestly don't know if I will be able to finish.  :)

The last step in my new road is smoking.  Being unemployed for so long, ciggerettes are way to expensive even just buying the stuff and making my own.  So.... I found my old E-cig and I think it might work this time.  Last time when I first bought it, I was doing really well.  I still found myself wishing for a "real" ciggerette often, but it was getting easier.  Then I started hanging out with a smoker who kept giving them too me.  The E-cig went in a drawer and was pulled out a few days ago.  Today is the first full day of trying not to smoke. I do have a few left, but that's where the stairs come in.  The old "easy" workout of up one, go down, go up two stairs, go down. go up 3 etc... it's going to suck and really make me think how much do I want that ciggerette.  I have a feeling that stairs will be in my near future though. lol  Another bright-ish area is that I am spending time with a non-smoker so out of respect for him as well.  Tend to get more kisses when dont have smoke on my breath! lol

So those are the big things going on at this precise moment.  The rest of my world is still pretty dark and boring.  More so than even I like to admit...

Music playing.... "Take me on the floor" The Veronicas

Daily Prompt: Clean

Never in my life would I say I have been a "clean freak" or "neat-nik", but as my living area has decreased the need to keep my "area" clean has increased.  Renting a room for the last 2 + years I have developed a system that works for me.  I am a list maker.  Everyday I have a to-do list that cleans the room top to bottom, dusting to mopping, and any other extras that may need done such as nails or laundry.  I don't beat myself up if everything is not completed, but I like crossing them off! :)

I was always like that with my desk area at work also.  I kept it wiped down and highly organized at all times.  I had pride in my work station and didn't want it uncomfortable and messy.

Dont think I can ever say that about a car though.... hmmmm.....

Daily Prompt: Laundry

I am one of the few people that actually enjoys doing laundry.  Probably one of my favorite chores.  I don't let it pile up, but being just me that doesn't happen often, and I prefer to do my bedding weekly.  I don't know why I like it, maybe its the true completion of the task.  4 easy steps, wash, dry, fold, put away. Done!     Yes it starts accumulating almost immediately  but not enough to worry about for another week.  Yay! Also honestly, there isn't much nicer feeling than climbing under freshly washed sheets, especially with the electric blanket bc they are always warm when climbing in.

Daily Prompt: Alone

Seems a fitting topic after yesterday...

I generally don't mind having time alone.  Sometimes the comfortable solitude is peaceful, and I don't mind my own company so much.  I laugh about how often I "hibernate" and keep myself in my own little cave.   Its comfortable and safe.    However even though I enjoy being alone, I hate the loneliness   Being alone and being lonely are such different things.

Daily Prompt: Forgotten

In the mood I am in today, this might not be the best subject...  But as I have stated before, that's the joy of this being my blog.  I can be bitchy and negative if so the mood fits.  I'm not looking for a pep talk, or love fest, its just how I'm feeling.

I used to always fear the thought of being forgotten.  I would try to always be the "little ray of sunshine" no matter the situation and hope to make a difference in someone, anyones day.  I would joke that just the spelling of my name made me memorable.  I was comfortable and confident in myself.

Now I have grown up and face reality as it is...  I am easily erasable and forgotten.  More so than I ever thought possible.  The toxicity I mentioned many posts ago, is still just as strong.  All I can do is  just hope to be a good memory once in a while.

Daily Prompt: Chain

Like most women I love jewelry.  When it comes to necklaces (chains) they have to be cord or good quality as to not make my neck have a lovely green tint.

I have two chains that I can wear, and sometimes will change just the charm.  However the clasps are so tiny I can't put it on or take it off myself bc of my nails.  One was received as an Anniversary present and even though the emotions have changed, emeralds and diamonds are always nice to wear. :) The other is a beautiful cross my stepmother Debi gave to me. I can work with this chain a little better, so I wear it more often.  In the middle is a large piece of malachite, which happens to be my favorite stone.

I wish I had more options... or more pretty shiny things lol